cursive, or not cursive....

....is that a question??

So, we had friends that visited this past sunday. They are brilliant people that are erudite in the English language.

we got on the subjects of our kids, of course...then, onto the topic of how schools are phasing out cursive writings...

Da wife was really baffled and asked, "why would they do that, how would our kids learn how to read doctors' writings?"

I raised the question of, "can ANYBODY read a doctor's handwriting, anyways??"

everyone nodded their head in acquiesce...NO....

besides, it isn't good to write cursive...I mean, "F-U-C...." or "S-H-I..." are not good cursive words to learn...

our friend, Peggy, then mentioned that one of her daughters not only had problem with the cursive writings in school...but that she was also a very bad speller...

well, "P-H-U-C-K" would really be awful to a kid's self-esteem...that would make me curse already...a misspelled cursive writing essay?? Well...you know....SAT would never accept that....

when I look at it from all angles...I find it a connundrum...

first of all, no two people's cursive writings are the same...

I remember someone brought up the constitution of America in its original cursive form....well, to be honest with you, I had a hard time reading that stuff when I was in D.C. Those cursive words are really fancy and I had a hard time understanding it...

at the same time, cursive writing IS an art form....it is beautiful when written correctly....but I can't recall many people putting the time to write it correctly...

and we all know that art is a personal taste/choice of thing...I mean, have you seen some of the "FINE" arts out there that are REALLY out there???

I guess in the end, I don't care...as long as my kids can go into the right bathroom to do their business and don't turn in a paper titled: The Constipation of the United States of America

I really wouldn't care....

now, TEXTING...I have a problem with....LOL

I just can't stand: I luv u

I cannot imagine getting a greeting card from my kids:

"I luv u, d+ (+ means ADD)"

I don't want to be called a "D+" for "DAD"

know what I mean??

and I don't want to be asked, "dju 8 dner" (did you ate dinner)

to me, that would make me become cursive...

Bleh....

I cannot belive it's been so long since I've blabbed...and I am such a blabber mouth...

it's been a really odd second half of the year...

since August 30th, 30 days after my spinal surgery, I have been sick almost none stop. And it was passed around throughout my household...and then back to me again on various occassions...heckit, I can't even spell occasions right....sheesh...

having fevers are not fun...having fevers that go up and down 3 degrees in one day everyday for a week is even LESS funner...

so far, this household has had its shares of flu, swine flu, stomach flu, R2D2 Flu, Asian Flu, avian flu, Wrights Brothers Flew, and One Flu (over the Coco Puff's Nest).

Temperatures have reached more than Farenheit 451 and my Tails has seen more than two cities (I go to 3 different doctors in two different towns).

It's a good thing that my wife is loving, caring, and very strong and don't get sick too often. But even she, got sick a couple of times through it all...or threw up of it all...

When I had my stomach flu last week...I literally cried....I cried so hard that I wasn't hungry because I swallowed all my nasal drips...and then I passed it out the other end because of my stomach flu...

it is even less funny when I would be sick and the kids would be sick at the same time...because I would have no energy and da wife had used up almost all of her sick leaves and there would be me and a sick kiddo...both miserable together...

it's a sad sight...LOL....

but through it all, we made it....I still cannot comprehend how single parents do it. It is hard with two parents...and that's when everyone's healthy...

anyways, it's been almost 8 days that we all have been healthy...knock on cyberboard...let's keep it that way and keep the germs at bay....

now,where's my sanitizer??

Life And Death....

Our friend, David, passed away last week...

He is no longer suffering....he was so young, barely in his 50's....his brain tumor was benign....yet, it took his life because it wouldn't stop growing....

in his last days, he suffered greatly....sleepless nights, can't stop eating, restless all the time, confused....

just hearing about his condition tugged at our hearts....on the one hand, we prayed for a big huge miracle....on the other hand, we prayed that he'd get peace soon....

He was a man of great integrity and equanitmity.

His life may be ephemeral, but his spirit will shine eternal...

As we heard news of his passing away, we heard our grandkids asking if they could call us "daddy/dadda and mommy/mama"

I took a big gulp as I looked over to my wife, who had tears in her eyes as we had just said a prayer for David and his wife, Lisa....as the fire of life was just doused with the sadness of his passing...our hearts were ignited again, with the new circle of life, as we see the fire in our grandchildren, now, our children's, eyes.....

Rest, dear David...

Grow up and live life to its fullest, Elora and Jaidon, our children....

ying/yang, on/off, positive/negative....

I'll take it all....

for now, I am no longer the man on the moon....

Just you on the moon now, Andy (Kaufman)....but I think David might swing by....you two behave there...I'll see you guys there some day....

The Darkside Of The Moon...

At this very moment, I am highly annoyed, irritated.

Everyone around me is being nice, wonderful, and supportive, but my mind is dark....

it wants to move to the darkside of the moon, and stay in eternal darkness...

I don't want sunshine nor sunlight, I don't want rainbows or raindrops...

I long for quiet without sounds....

I long for not to hear any kids yelling nor screaming...

I long for no noises, no contacts, with anyone, person, place nor thing....

it is the place that I know it is surreal, yet so real....

it is a place that I want to go, yet know logically, that I can't....

but the darkside of me is asking, begging, pleading....and abetting....

laughters are not contagious to me at this moment....it actually turns me off when I see a smile or hear people laugh...

I hate it when this side takes command and takes over and becomes draconic and then become the despot.

It wants to control me, it wants me to not believe....

it makes everything positive negative.

it wants me to look at the "dark" side of things...

it wants me to be angry at the laughters, it wants me to be pissed off at the smiles...

every tiny little thing annoys me, every nice gesture makes me tired....

every acknowledgement makes me want to back and shy away from answering or acknowledging back...

I want to throw my arms high in the air and say: I give

but my arms can't reach that high due to my neck....

I want to just retire, sleep an eternal sleep....

I don't want attitudes, I don't want "faces".....

I just want to be a selfish SOB that just don't give a damn right now...but I can't....

I want to know that I can come back and read this when I am in a different place and can laugh about it and claim victory over it again....

but I think Nike® is no longer on my side...I am not sure how to find it again....I've run out of resources and I am tired of looking for her....

Teeth are hurting from gritting....the pressure cooker is on it's highest temperature and about to blow....

explosion is inevitable....

where to channel it, where to direct it, where to contain it....

just have to try and try again....and then try again.....

and hope that I can find a rocket big enough that can carry all my angst, and shoot me to the darkside of the moon....

My Own Private Hell....

It's only 4:45pm, and it has already been one of those days....

it actually started with one of those nights....I couldn't sleep and didn't get to bed until 1am.

My body is still going numb after the surgery. And it's shifting from my left to my right and vice versa and I am in fear for another surgery...

then, it's up at dawn to get the kids ready even though I had to really really struggle today to get out of bed. It was one of those days that I went through everyone of my heroes in my head and then told myself that if I can't even get up to get our kids ready for school, then I am nothing...

I ended up rolling out of bed and fell on my right knee....

Grandson has been wetting the bed the past few days but luckily, he didn't today so I thought to myself, hey, it's not going to be too bad....

well, after I dropped them off to school, phone started to ring.

none of them were important and I decided to turn my phone off.

I then took two pain pills that I haven't taken in awhile and it really knocked me out.

As soon as I headed to bed, da wife came home from work with our grand daughter. She had been throwing up in school.

I was so exhausted and my eyes were about to shut, but I had to do my duty and bless my dear wife's heart, she was contacted because I had turned off all the phones in the house and they had to call her to pick up grand daughter...

After I got grand daughter rested, I called wonderful friends of ours if they could pick up grandson today. I just knew that I need to get some sleep.

But then, I had the phones turned back on.

And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I went back to bed, the phone rang...

by the time I got done talking on the phone, I was too tired to GO to SLEEP...

I checked on grand daughter who was blissfully watching a rest movie: Scooby Doo
and I just sat at the couch...ended up surfing on the laptop and just as I was about to doze off, the door bell rang...

it was the mailman(actually, mailwoman).

of course, this roused up grand daughter, and we ended up watching TV together and as I was falling asleep on the couch. The door bell rang again. Our friends had brought grandson back.

Getting him cleaned up somehow awakened the chuck in me.

As I rushed to the bathroom and UP chucked myself three times into the sink while waving them back because they got "excited"at their papo puking.

It's funny how they ask you more questions when you are not able to answer.

If I am coughing my lungs out, they are asking me tons of questions, if I am aspirating, they are asking me tons of questions...now that I was puking, two tons of tomatoes came with those question as I painted the Moana Lisa with bits of regurgitated food...

I was beyond exhaustion by now....my body was aching and on fire....

I had to summon up the rest of my strength...I pleaded with them to rest, have a quiet time while I slip a DVD in while I crawled into my bed to try and sleep....

and of course, I couldn't sleep....but it was nice to just lie there and have my eyes closed...

and just as I was about to drift off to dreamland....

feet started to stomp....

it was the grandson, he had decided that he wanted to come out and "hang out" by my bedroom....

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I actually laughed because I was so ANGRY on the inside...

at him, at the world, at myself....

I gave him a quick lecture on being courteous and gave him a quick time out.

By now....I feel like the "madman" I feel like my hair was that of the bride of Frankenstein. I feel like my brain was on fire being eaten alive and all my nerves were shot...

so....

I boiled some water and made me a cup of TEA....yeah, caffeine, that last thing that I need yet it helped calmed me down....

then, everything seemed to repeat itself in one form or another and here I sit, at the computer, typing out my insane day as I try to find a bit of sanity as I write this down so I won't get lost in the eddy of madness.......

and it's ONLY another 3 hours til the lil ones go to bed....

Edvard M"v"nch, I hear you, man...

http://ourjourneytosmile.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/the-scream-edvard-munch.jpg

The "Balance" Of Life??!!????!!

Tonight, we went to IHOP for a get together with our friends, Lisa and David Gordon.

It may be the last time that we'll see David...

Both he and Lisa were co-workers with da wife and they came to our weeding (wedding) three years ago. (Our third year anniversary will be October 21, which is aka "sweetest day")

I didn't know Lisa and David well. But da wife has always spoke very highly of them and I got to know them better after our wedding and they came to dinner and we got to know and love them dearly.

Unfortunately for David, he has been battling a "benign" brain tumor the past 10 years with numerous operations and chemo/radiations that had him traveled all around the country.

Two years ago, they moved to Charlotte, NC because of job situations and David's situation and we haven't seen much of them since...

He has battled this tumor hard...as well as Lisa...

And even though it is benign, it won't stop growing and finally, David said, "he's tired" and has refused to go through another operation or chemo. He'll be starting hospice on Monday...

HOSPICE....

When we saw him tonight, we could barely recognize him. His face has swollen to twice his old thin-self...he had an eye patch over his right eye and his left eye couldn't look straight.

But he had such a peace look to him...I burst into tears as well as da wife and I was so emotional I didn't know what to say at first.

They are such a strong couple...and they truly love one another...

we know that Lisa has done all she could and more for him. She also works hard and is providing for the family...

They both are exceptional people as well as having exceptional work ethics. But it is the love that they share for each other that truly touches us....

A lot of their friends showed up tonight....to celebrate our love for David and Lisa...perhaps, one last time....

As I got my chance to have sat with Lisa and David....

I told them that I have such admiration for them, and for him, and for her...

He really is a good man...a man of honor, dignity, and paragon and representation of hardworker.

I told him all that...I wanted him to know that it is such an honor to know him and that I hope that some miracle WILL happen for him/them....

I am not the type to sugar coat things for I am practical and pragmatic. But I also believe in the power of positive thinking and positive thoughts (That include prayers)...

As others visited him and Lisa, I sat with the kids that were there....including ours...they were at another section...

there they were, laughing, playing, joking, having fun while the adults were on the other side, while the adults were not in tears or had faces of "sadness". There was on that end, a solemn and the last supper sense about it for David...

I couldn't help but look at the both sides and my heart tug-of-warred...

I wish I could take some of those energy of youth, of life...and give some of that to David and extend his for much longer...

they were having such fun, being innocent, carefree, and enjoying themselves...

I wonder if they'll sit on the "otherside" one day, in the same situation as the adults....

I pray and hope that doesn't happen....but I also know that the cycle of life is of such....

I still find myself struggling to get up each day....but David is one of those people that I think about...and it gets me off of my lazy butt and try to take on the day....and I am glad, that I got the chance to tell him so....

Da wife and I are also feeling anger....while we understand it, we still don't want to understand it, why that a lot of the good folks cannot get a good break....

but there was something about David tonight...he looked peaceful....

Da wife said that she remembered him being scared, and struggled with the tumor, as well as his ability to provide, as well as his fear of life itself...

but something about the way he looked tonight strengthen the part of me that is fearless of death...for I, in a way, understand that in accepting death....we actually feel more alive....

I wonder if he felt more alive tonight...by the folks that showed up, to show their love for him and Lisa...

and I wonder...if he heard the innocent lively laughter on the other end of the restaurant...and wondered to himself that it's all a cycle...and that he and Lisa have something that many others can't claim in their lives....

TRUE LOVE....

Semantics...

As I re-read most of my blogs today...the tone is not that of my usual easy going self...*snickers sheepishly...

I guess I really need to let this one out and it's a true vent from deep within that has been bothering me for quite a few days now....

We have adopted our grandchildren. A girl and a boy, one year apart. Their mother is my step daughter...

It was a long and winding road to get them into our home. It was a tough and arduous task sedulously hashed out between two states...

anyways, they are with us now and have been since April...

few days ago, da wife was having a conversation with step daughter and was telling her of the funny things the kids had been saying and then said, "our kids" a few times during the conversation...

that didn't bode well with step daughter....who really hasn't been much of a mother even when she had these kids...

she had such a conniption that she gave da wife hell for two days...

I had to really calm down to not to call her to NEVER call us again...

the nerve...really...

she gave up these kids....in August, on grandson's birthday, she didn't even send him anything...

her excuse is always, "I have no money..."

but she has the money to go camping, drive everywhere, waste gas, hang out with her friends...

and there was her son's birthday....not any gesture....

she talks the talk a lot....but rarely walk the walk....

she always hold on to these little things that don't matter...such as haircuts...or what types of shoes they should wear...

WHO CARES!!

What about LOVE?? What about holding them when they're crying and staying up with them while they are sick and high with fever??

What about being there and providing for them and giving them peace of mind and a safe place to be?

Has she thought about any of that? Maybe she has...but it sure didn't last long nor did it mattered...

but for having such a fit because da wife said, "our kids" ?????

Damn right, they're our kids....she signed the paper to give them up....

Then, there is my mother-in-law....her grandmother....who was here for over a month while I was so sick and was go to into surgery.

She came here with my father-in-law and she cleaned, cooked, helped with the kids and then apologized for not being a good writer when she wanted to write me a letter telling me what a great time she had when she was here...

step daughter is a brilliant letter writer...she has written some stuff that can move the earth under one's feet...

one time, two times, three times, and boy, I was a sucker and bought into it...

but after all the talk and no action...these letters have now become slaps in the face and I simply roll my eyes if one was to be handed to me. I'd ask sarcastically, "do I have to read it?"

yes, it is well written, full of praises and thanks and blah blah blah...

but her actions mean nothing....

since the "our kids" incident. Her phone calls to the kids have slowed down. She was calling them once or twice a day....it's been days now since she's called and really...I don't care....

my first and foremost duty are to these kids...they are children...

step daughter is a grown woman....she can make up her own damned mind where she wants to live or be or what not...I have to be honest, at this point, I no longer care....

I tried really hard with her through the years, to be an understanding friend and to be there for her only to be met with slaps in the face attitudes....

no more.....

I wrote my mother-in-law that I wish everyone in her family were like her..that they'd show their love through actions....

and I, have no time for semantic manipulations....homey don't play that....and never will....