"On Nights Such As This..."

on a night such as this,

it's easy to reach

for something destructive

to take my life with ease...

I walk by the mirror

and all that I see,

is some stranger staring back at

the man I used to be...

body no longer mine

soul decided to stay

making it more painful than

being neutered or spayed...

I try to command my fingers,

I try to command my toes,

digits that were friendly once

all are now, foes

it is easy,

on nights such as this

to give in to

the temptation

for some eternal peace...

but looking around

my loved ones abound

I have to grit my teeth

"hey, stay one more round..."

the battle is intense

to the point of no avail...

but my heart tells me,

stick around for one more round

because I must---

prevail.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We all have pains. Be it physical pains or mental/psychological pains. We all have exprienced pains one way or another in our life time.

My eternal quest and question about pain is always simple: WHY PAIN??

from a physiological stand point, we need pain as a warning sign. If we don't feel pain when we get burned, then we won't know that we need medical treatment or that something is dangerous and hot. OK, I can deal with that kind of pain.

My question is more about the pains that we induce upon ourselves. The mental anguish kind that won't go away.

physical pains although painful, can still be dealt with. Because our bodies get used to it.

But the mental pain that either antecedes it or may be "symbiotic" toward the physical pains are the ones that are truly hard to deal with...

My physical pain has gotten to the point of unbearable in just a very short period of time. I've had friends that had suffered this way or are suffering this way. And while I was sympathetic before (I had pain, but not to this degree), I now have full blown sympathy.

simple tasks such as walking or picking up a cat now requires great mental strength to will the weak physical body.

Even typing on the keyboard hurts and aches the fingers...

however, as the days go by. I am getting adjusted to it and can take on the pain.

but the mental pain leaves a deep dark scar in my mind and head. Because I just cannot seem to accept this "new" body that I am in.

I was able to pick up a 100lb weight with ease just a month ago. Now, I am having problem picking up a 1/2 gallon of milk.

I look around to the folks that are suffering from this and I see that they are walking around and I say to myself.

"HOW DO THEY DO IT??"

Those folks ARE my heroes...

in this day and age when we are honoring the rich and the infamous as heroes and idols.

I wonder about our sense of values and where it is going to wind up in.

We NEED to be talking about the everyday heroes that have to will all their mind and body parts just to get out of bed so they can take care of their family.

I am awaiting surgery. I am awaiting fate.

where would my fate take me, I have no idea...but I hope that the moment that I close my eyes eternally, that I will take a part of me, the true heroes of this earth into my next journey....