do "I" become the pain??

Yesterday, my dear friend drove me three hours to Augusta, GA, where I had my spine surgery almost two weeks ago for a check up.

In a way, I am still in disbelief that I'd had the surgery and it's been TWO weeks already...and against all the odds about my chance of being incapaciatated or/and maybe be doped up for 6 weeks or more, I started walking the very next day after my surgery.

My surgeon (the main one) was very happy to see me. He gave me good prognosis and while I am not a complainer, I did told him about my new pain, mostly surgery related and referred.

I know it'll take time....but it still HURTS...

on the one hand, I am very grateful...I am grateful that I can feel my fingers and toes and joints. I am grateful that I can BEND my legs and walk...I am grateful that I am now able to sit at the puter and type (although not like I used to be) at a somewhat encouraging speed WITHOUT pain! And that I can BEND all 10 fingers of mine....

WOW...

BUT, IT STILL HURTS...and IT HURTS LIKE HELL....

there are so many out there that hurt worse than I am...so, don't get me wrong. I am not complaining...

wait, YES, I AM!! IT HURTS, DAMMIT!!

There, I needed to say that and then I can get over it...

one of the things I have disagreed with my lovely, dear wife and the doctors are the pain pills...

I don't take them until absolutely necessary...I am not sure why...I really am not the "glutton for punishment" type...

but I just don't like taking pain meds..I only take it before I go to bed or unless I REALLY REALLY can't take it anymore...

but I avoid it...

so, I guess I can say that I "deserve" the pain that I'd given myself...

but on the other hand...I have talked to myself about this already....way before surgery...

I have told myself that I will be walking sooner than anyone expects, I am going to heal before anyone expects, and that I am going to be healthy again, before anyone expects...

no, I am not going to be dumb and start lifting 200lbs of beef like Blocky...

but I am being smart by doing little things...things that I used to take for granted...such as "Squatting" "walking" "picking up a glass of water"

When I go to pick up that glass of water, I pick it up about 20 times, I consider that a workout because I DO breath a little harder and I can feel my hand shaking..but I am lifting water!!

I can't become the pain...

I have lived with pain almost all of my life....my body is used to pain...of various kinds...and in the past, I've given in to it...

I haven't, in the past 9+ years or so....I have been getting to the better of the pain....

because I have finally talked myself out of it...to NOT become the pain....

I am still a pain in the arse to people...but I am no longer THE pain to me....

NO...NO LONGER...

so, the three hours ride there was hell, the three hours ride back was hell because of the road and the long hours...

but I was very lucky to have a great friend that drove me...he kept my spirit up....he made the trip seemed shorter...

and I am very lucky...because many people have offered helps and kindness and I am just hoping that I can repay everybody's kindness somehow, some day...

but for now, before I do anything...I must NOT become the pain....NEVER...

because if I do...I won't be able to become ANYTHING else...but a pain in butt to everyone....

to all my friends that are suffering and having pain...I FEEL YOU....I wish with all my heart that I can take your pain away from you....but you have learned to live with your pains on a daily basis and you have shown me how...

everyday, I live for the now, NOW...and I live to NOT become the pain..because I want to be...

MOI...