hooroo!!!

well, it's almost 10pm, I was just re-reading some of my posts last night and I had to laugh at my odd self. Well, not laughing, grinning...more like it...

It's funny how one's brain doesn't make sense EVEN MORE after few nights of no rest and no sleep....

but it's all good.... I don't know if I would been as brave or as crazy to have written some of the things that I'd written if I wasn't so tired...

I think I will actually sleep very well tonight...

I had a date with my dear wife today. It was very nice. Just the two of us for a couple of hours...

we talked about a lot of things but it always came back to the children....

eating some salad would remind us of how one of the kids ate his/her veggies.
having some intelligent conversation that might have a "buzz" word of something the kids have said would send us laughing....

The funniest thing about the with this whole experience (I am not talking about dinner, but the life of being single, to married, to now having TWO kids)is that except for maybe a few weeks in my whole entire life, I cannot say that I have ever wanted to have children.

don't get me wrong. I kinda like them. I love them when they are other peoples'...I make the best uncle...I play with them for an hour or two and then I give them back, sweat, dirt, and all...

My biggest fear for myself when we were getting our grandkids was not just if they'll accept me. But if I'll love them like a PARENT should...

it's something that seems so easy as a given and natural yet so intangible and incomprehensible as quantum physics...

I don't have that "maternal" ....wait...paternal instinct that a lot of people have. I loved being single toward the later stage of my life and I treasure my time with my wife.

When it were just the two of us, it was like heaven on earth....freedom to do whatever and whenever and however...

but now, we have to schedule everything...including just going out to have dinner...

where it used to be we can just say, "let's go somewhere to eat tonight..."

"ok, let's go!" and off we'd went

to now, "let's go out to eat..."

"but, what about the kids??"

then, the questions of should we bring them,should we get someone to watch them, what would they eat, who do we get to eat them, I mean, watch them....

and by the time all thoughts and options have been processed, we usually just have mac and cheese...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I NOW know that I love them very much in my heart....I NOW that that they ARE my kids...

tonight, during dinner, my dear, lovely, beautiful, wonderful wife asked me: "honey, do you regret taking the children in?"

if it was 10 years ago, I might have said, "well, no...ok, but yeah, because I don't really want to have kids and you know, I really did just do this for her and that I really wish it were just the two of us, but ok, like, it's OK, ya know?"

but my answer today was: While I miss being alone with you and having alone time. I have NO regrets. I accept things just as they are, NOW....as it is...

does that mean that I don't miss having alone time with her?

Of course I do!!

But at the same time, I am reaping the benefits of trying to make a difference in two tiny human beings lives

in my heart of hearts, I deeply believe that EVERYONE matters....how can I convince myself and others that, if I don't take care of my OWN first???

I have this ideal in the back of my head that NO ONE, I mean, NO ONE, in this world...should suffer....I can't stand to read about any victims...victims of natural disasters, victims of war, victims of accidents, victims of health care....ANY victims are NOT allowed in my ideal....

so, how I can stand by my ideal if I fight that we should raise TWO lives....

So, here we go....the trek of raising two little people begun a few months ago, but with me debilated and not able to do much...

now, on my way to being healed and healthy again (hopefully)

I am going to enjoy whatever it is, just as it is....without giving up my principles, without giving up who I am. And I am hoping to my core, that this path that we've crossed, that we are in their lives and that they are in our lives is the RIGHT path...

and that in the end, we all take something away from each other...

Going to do it while I hold my wife's hand and hug two kids that deserve so much love in the world, because they have been in the system for 36 months in their lives.....

and now, they'll get to spend rest of the months of their lives with us until their independence

so, goodbye, alone time..

goodbye, alone with my wife time

hello, kids,

hello.......LIFE..........

And OH!!!!

I AM GOING TO BED!! HOOROOO!! (that what I came to post about actually initially...about the banality of my life! but once again, it ended up being digressing and non sequitur....and that, is just FINE, with me...)