"When the Rock Cries"

the other day, I felt some tear drops falling onto my back...

they were from my wonderful wife...

she was giving me a backrub to help ease my pain for I could barely walk the other day...

she murmured, "I am sorry that I am putting you through this..."

PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS???

She has NO idea...she has NOT put me through anything...but I knew what she meant...

I have become, "disabled", in a way the past couple of months...I am going to be getting surgery soon to hopefully resolve this problem.

In the meantime, we have taken in our two grandchildren who are filled with lots of energy and require a lot of attention.

I know she meant them...that she felt like she has burdened me with them...

first of all, they are NOT a burden...they are NOT easy, by any means, but they are not any burden...

second of all, it is NOT her fault by any means...

things happen and young people these days just don't have a sense of "responsibility" anymore....Not all, but it seems to have increased in this generation...

and if she only knew how much she has given me...what I have received from her...it is so worth it, taking on these two kids and still in exchange, I would still OWE her...

My wife, she is one of the kindest and gentlest souls out there...to all that she has come into contact with, they have nothing but praises for her...

Beneath the elegance and grace, she has tremendous resiliency and strength that is superwoman like...

that it doesn't reveal itself until the stormiest of the storm would come...

her life hasn't exactly been a cake walk...her first husband passed away of unfortunate circumstance on the same day that her brother died few years earlier due to the same circumstance.

along with that, her two children, both struggling , by wrong and bad choices, have put themselves in predicaments that no parents want their children to be in.

But I am happy to say that at least one of them seem to be "waking up" now and is trying...

the grand children's time has ran out and the timing was so that they needed to be here, with us, now...while their mom keeps on working on improving her life...

and now, there is me...struggling physically that has added another stressor to my wife's life...

but she never complaints as she is vigilant in her fight for MY life...

taking me to appointments by taking time out from her arduous work schedule. Dragging me to doctors that I don't really want to see to make sure that I get the best surgeons and care...

in the meanwhile, putting up with my recalcitrant and sometimes, implacable attitude undauntingly...

looking at her from the exterior, one couldn't help but want to protect her because she looks "fragile"

yet, only when one gets to know her, do they know her strength, and that she is a rock deep within...

but...a rock still needs to cry sometimes...because a rock can still chip...and break...

but she is the type of rock that can mend itself and then stand against the crashing waves again...because she has done it, many times..

through the test of time and hardship...

THIS, is my wife...solid, unwaivering and unwavering in her love for her family and loved ones.

She's a rock that cries...and sometimes, it is needed...

and I need her to know that, without her, my life would've never been complete...I would've never been the happiest that I'd ever been..

because even in all this pain and weakness...whenever I see her...I somehow find the strength to live....

again....

The Pugilist And The Towel...

The general population have all probably seen a typical boxing type movie or two where the main character, a boxer, whom we'll generically name: Blocky Bowel Broka,
is often seen in the center of the ring getting beaten up and pounded by his nemesis and Blocky's coach/corner man would usually be yelling, "I am throwing in the bowel, I mean towel, BLOCKY!!"

And because it IS a movie, instead of admitting defeat and acceding to the towel throwing, Blocky would often yell out his wife or girlfriend's name: Atrium...

"Uh Nooooooooo, coach...do not trow in the towel...ATRIUM!!! ATRIUM!!!"

And Atrium would be found clutching her lips with tears streaming down yelling Blocky's name and for coach to throw in the towel...

It is often then at that very moment, that Blocky would find some sort of superhuman strength and then just come back and whip his foe's butt thus leading to a happy ending.

Bloods, Gores, et al....

That's cool...I know the movie is trying to serve as a moral rousing up morale about "NOT GIVING UP"

and what other better symbolism to use than a boxer that won't throw in his bowel?

Here is what I often would find interesting. Blocky's enemies usually aren't the BAD guys...

they are supposed to be fighting for the sports of it. But somehow, money and bad blood get into the mix and then a bad guy and good guy are kind of defined..

but were Blocky's enemies all bad guys? Even that big huge Russian dude who was shooting up steroids? (when in real life, the real Blocky was known to use and abuse steroids himself)

So there they are, fighting for their lives, for glory and fame and money...using their LIVES...I give no kudos to either Blocky nor his opponent. Neither serves a true purpose in real life. They are simply entertainers getting paid...

Boxing evolved as a true bar brawl sports and not something legitimate such as martial arts. It did evolve into some form of martial arts but most boxers got into the ring to train because they craved fame and fortune vs. finding the zen discpline that other martial arts offer.

Although a type of code has evolved amongst the boxers it is still consider more of a glory sport vs. self-discplinary sport.

Don't get me wrong, it takes a lot of discpline to box. It takes hard work. But the core and principle aren't usually there.

Pugilist came from the latin root: Pugnare (meaning: to fight)

in the Golden ages of the Roman/Greco Warriors code, pugilists had more codes back then. I don't mean the Gladiators of Rome although I have read that they follow a type of code as well, it was much more barbaric.

I am talking about the legions and the sentries and the Spartans. Those true warriors that were willing and to die for their country. All without glory and a lot of money (although the Roman army did get paid quite well and were well respected)

the root of a warrior's code was still there. Self-discpline was at the top of their code.

Easter Warriors such as the Shaolin monks also have that tough self-discplinary code that they put others well being above their own.

and these warriors truly will die for the love of their countries and loved ones.

I doubt a boxer out there will be willing to die for a cause. We can argue that Ali might have been the only one to really fought for a cause but he was one in a million. He stood out amongst other boxers (in his later years, not during his flashy years). And that was true growth of a true fighter.

I think of diseases that are brought upon people. People that don't ask for. It becomes a battle for them. Diseases that can rob them of their lives or just simply daily chores.

And it is very easy to throw in that towel...

those are the true pugilists...the ones fighting for their lives on a daily basis with the cancers and the strokes and the heart failures...

but if they follow the code of Blocky. They won't last long....because when the movie ends and the credits are rolling...life still goes on and the towel will be eventually thrown in...

"On Nights Such As This..."

on a night such as this,

it's easy to reach

for something destructive

to take my life with ease...

I walk by the mirror

and all that I see,

is some stranger staring back at

the man I used to be...

body no longer mine

soul decided to stay

making it more painful than

being neutered or spayed...

I try to command my fingers,

I try to command my toes,

digits that were friendly once

all are now, foes

it is easy,

on nights such as this

to give in to

the temptation

for some eternal peace...

but looking around

my loved ones abound

I have to grit my teeth

"hey, stay one more round..."

the battle is intense

to the point of no avail...

but my heart tells me,

stick around for one more round

because I must---

prevail.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We all have pains. Be it physical pains or mental/psychological pains. We all have exprienced pains one way or another in our life time.

My eternal quest and question about pain is always simple: WHY PAIN??

from a physiological stand point, we need pain as a warning sign. If we don't feel pain when we get burned, then we won't know that we need medical treatment or that something is dangerous and hot. OK, I can deal with that kind of pain.

My question is more about the pains that we induce upon ourselves. The mental anguish kind that won't go away.

physical pains although painful, can still be dealt with. Because our bodies get used to it.

But the mental pain that either antecedes it or may be "symbiotic" toward the physical pains are the ones that are truly hard to deal with...

My physical pain has gotten to the point of unbearable in just a very short period of time. I've had friends that had suffered this way or are suffering this way. And while I was sympathetic before (I had pain, but not to this degree), I now have full blown sympathy.

simple tasks such as walking or picking up a cat now requires great mental strength to will the weak physical body.

Even typing on the keyboard hurts and aches the fingers...

however, as the days go by. I am getting adjusted to it and can take on the pain.

but the mental pain leaves a deep dark scar in my mind and head. Because I just cannot seem to accept this "new" body that I am in.

I was able to pick up a 100lb weight with ease just a month ago. Now, I am having problem picking up a 1/2 gallon of milk.

I look around to the folks that are suffering from this and I see that they are walking around and I say to myself.

"HOW DO THEY DO IT??"

Those folks ARE my heroes...

in this day and age when we are honoring the rich and the infamous as heroes and idols.

I wonder about our sense of values and where it is going to wind up in.

We NEED to be talking about the everyday heroes that have to will all their mind and body parts just to get out of bed so they can take care of their family.

I am awaiting surgery. I am awaiting fate.

where would my fate take me, I have no idea...but I hope that the moment that I close my eyes eternally, that I will take a part of me, the true heroes of this earth into my next journey....