Life And Death....

Our friend, David, passed away last week...

He is no longer suffering....he was so young, barely in his 50's....his brain tumor was benign....yet, it took his life because it wouldn't stop growing....

in his last days, he suffered greatly....sleepless nights, can't stop eating, restless all the time, confused....

just hearing about his condition tugged at our hearts....on the one hand, we prayed for a big huge miracle....on the other hand, we prayed that he'd get peace soon....

He was a man of great integrity and equanitmity.

His life may be ephemeral, but his spirit will shine eternal...

As we heard news of his passing away, we heard our grandkids asking if they could call us "daddy/dadda and mommy/mama"

I took a big gulp as I looked over to my wife, who had tears in her eyes as we had just said a prayer for David and his wife, Lisa....as the fire of life was just doused with the sadness of his passing...our hearts were ignited again, with the new circle of life, as we see the fire in our grandchildren, now, our children's, eyes.....

Rest, dear David...

Grow up and live life to its fullest, Elora and Jaidon, our children....

ying/yang, on/off, positive/negative....

I'll take it all....

for now, I am no longer the man on the moon....

Just you on the moon now, Andy (Kaufman)....but I think David might swing by....you two behave there...I'll see you guys there some day....

The Darkside Of The Moon...

At this very moment, I am highly annoyed, irritated.

Everyone around me is being nice, wonderful, and supportive, but my mind is dark....

it wants to move to the darkside of the moon, and stay in eternal darkness...

I don't want sunshine nor sunlight, I don't want rainbows or raindrops...

I long for quiet without sounds....

I long for not to hear any kids yelling nor screaming...

I long for no noises, no contacts, with anyone, person, place nor thing....

it is the place that I know it is surreal, yet so real....

it is a place that I want to go, yet know logically, that I can't....

but the darkside of me is asking, begging, pleading....and abetting....

laughters are not contagious to me at this moment....it actually turns me off when I see a smile or hear people laugh...

I hate it when this side takes command and takes over and becomes draconic and then become the despot.

It wants to control me, it wants me to not believe....

it makes everything positive negative.

it wants me to look at the "dark" side of things...

it wants me to be angry at the laughters, it wants me to be pissed off at the smiles...

every tiny little thing annoys me, every nice gesture makes me tired....

every acknowledgement makes me want to back and shy away from answering or acknowledging back...

I want to throw my arms high in the air and say: I give

but my arms can't reach that high due to my neck....

I want to just retire, sleep an eternal sleep....

I don't want attitudes, I don't want "faces".....

I just want to be a selfish SOB that just don't give a damn right now...but I can't....

I want to know that I can come back and read this when I am in a different place and can laugh about it and claim victory over it again....

but I think Nike® is no longer on my side...I am not sure how to find it again....I've run out of resources and I am tired of looking for her....

Teeth are hurting from gritting....the pressure cooker is on it's highest temperature and about to blow....

explosion is inevitable....

where to channel it, where to direct it, where to contain it....

just have to try and try again....and then try again.....

and hope that I can find a rocket big enough that can carry all my angst, and shoot me to the darkside of the moon....

My Own Private Hell....

It's only 4:45pm, and it has already been one of those days....

it actually started with one of those nights....I couldn't sleep and didn't get to bed until 1am.

My body is still going numb after the surgery. And it's shifting from my left to my right and vice versa and I am in fear for another surgery...

then, it's up at dawn to get the kids ready even though I had to really really struggle today to get out of bed. It was one of those days that I went through everyone of my heroes in my head and then told myself that if I can't even get up to get our kids ready for school, then I am nothing...

I ended up rolling out of bed and fell on my right knee....

Grandson has been wetting the bed the past few days but luckily, he didn't today so I thought to myself, hey, it's not going to be too bad....

well, after I dropped them off to school, phone started to ring.

none of them were important and I decided to turn my phone off.

I then took two pain pills that I haven't taken in awhile and it really knocked me out.

As soon as I headed to bed, da wife came home from work with our grand daughter. She had been throwing up in school.

I was so exhausted and my eyes were about to shut, but I had to do my duty and bless my dear wife's heart, she was contacted because I had turned off all the phones in the house and they had to call her to pick up grand daughter...

After I got grand daughter rested, I called wonderful friends of ours if they could pick up grandson today. I just knew that I need to get some sleep.

But then, I had the phones turned back on.

And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I went back to bed, the phone rang...

by the time I got done talking on the phone, I was too tired to GO to SLEEP...

I checked on grand daughter who was blissfully watching a rest movie: Scooby Doo
and I just sat at the couch...ended up surfing on the laptop and just as I was about to doze off, the door bell rang...

it was the mailman(actually, mailwoman).

of course, this roused up grand daughter, and we ended up watching TV together and as I was falling asleep on the couch. The door bell rang again. Our friends had brought grandson back.

Getting him cleaned up somehow awakened the chuck in me.

As I rushed to the bathroom and UP chucked myself three times into the sink while waving them back because they got "excited"at their papo puking.

It's funny how they ask you more questions when you are not able to answer.

If I am coughing my lungs out, they are asking me tons of questions, if I am aspirating, they are asking me tons of questions...now that I was puking, two tons of tomatoes came with those question as I painted the Moana Lisa with bits of regurgitated food...

I was beyond exhaustion by now....my body was aching and on fire....

I had to summon up the rest of my strength...I pleaded with them to rest, have a quiet time while I slip a DVD in while I crawled into my bed to try and sleep....

and of course, I couldn't sleep....but it was nice to just lie there and have my eyes closed...

and just as I was about to drift off to dreamland....

feet started to stomp....

it was the grandson, he had decided that he wanted to come out and "hang out" by my bedroom....

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I actually laughed because I was so ANGRY on the inside...

at him, at the world, at myself....

I gave him a quick lecture on being courteous and gave him a quick time out.

By now....I feel like the "madman" I feel like my hair was that of the bride of Frankenstein. I feel like my brain was on fire being eaten alive and all my nerves were shot...

so....

I boiled some water and made me a cup of TEA....yeah, caffeine, that last thing that I need yet it helped calmed me down....

then, everything seemed to repeat itself in one form or another and here I sit, at the computer, typing out my insane day as I try to find a bit of sanity as I write this down so I won't get lost in the eddy of madness.......

and it's ONLY another 3 hours til the lil ones go to bed....

Edvard M"v"nch, I hear you, man...

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