Whew

I started writing tonight a bit about low-self esteem...

not for myself...but for my former self...and maybe...for others that might bother to read it...

I started off light-hearted and candid and wanting to set a tone that low-self esteem is not uncommon and that I wanted to address it head on and without deterrents and that I have finally conquered the issue (although NOT fully, but at least 2/3rds)

as I wrote, I began to realize how much it affected me...my past...as the memories resurfaced, it was not just about the low-self esteems but also about my family dynamics and how it all came together and how it fell apart in the first place.

there are no words for them. Well, yes, there could be words for them but it could take years to get every feeling and cross-roads written and dissected and I am not sure even myself would enjoy that...

when I got to the part about my father...I had to think about it very hard....

he's been gone 6 years now....he passed away in July, 6 years ago....

I had to be honest....but I don't want to bad mouth him...he was just as much of a victim as I was....

well, I say victim but we are usually only victims of ourselves and our own thoughts...

it got me thinking about him deeply again....

how I wish he was around....

I know now that he had major low-self esteem issues...but I didn't know back then...

how I wish that he could be here so I could address it with him, at him, for him, and maybe make him feel a little better...

he grew up without love...and he died without feeling love...at least, from me...his eldest son...

I regret so many decisions and I can't change them...

in writing them, the emotions and the truth are raw and painful....

but I must write and continue on...even when the truth is ugly....

behind all ugliness....there are always some kind of wonderful...and beauty....

I love you, Dad...in being honest, I get to know you more....in death, I got to love you more...

One day, I will get to talk to you again...I know it...I hope you will have forgiven me and yourself...and I look forward to that conversation with you...